Raison D’ĂȘtre

I can see
your piercing eyes
seeing through my lies
trying to deny
what its telling me;
time to leave 
the weight of my life.

I can feel
suffocating love
too far above
deafening warmth,
love exists
but its too much risk,
crumbles and twists.

I can sense
forgotten, leaving
abrupt, internal.
Wish it was different
I know it's my cost,
the landing lost.

I can wish
a different agony
worn as reality
my reason for being
a new song, a life.
Forever I yearn
to breath and belong.


For a dislocated moment
it seems we have it
connections and
wordless conversations.
Say the right thing,
I would do anything
to have it over and over
you and me.

I know this dream
certainly real to me
for only a short time,
as brief as it was
I still steal
a stimulating glimpse,
a second of reality
biting at me;
you and me.

Please never say it
I do not want to hear,
if I do
it becomes so real,
there is no denial
of course I will accept it
its how things progress,
stay near each other;
you and me.


Lamenting but unaffected
I peer into illusions of life;
a sea of nothing.
The past drops into reality
bit by bit
exhausted fragility
my life the crux of it.

I chip away at failure
lying again, even closer
ending up sceptical
between each beat
the tonal depths
throws me I think.

Will someone see?
What HELP is
afforded to ME!
Between the lines 
I see the shelf
I hope I'm fine,
my fragile health.


Feeling vexed
uncomfortably numb
I indulge each lie,
grey I become.
Readily ornate
reach into my game
developing grief,
advertise and feign.

The blanket of life
leaves me confused
changing each fact
rudely I peruse.
The clarity hits
panic turns to fear
this might be it
the hope to feel.

Unquelled hate
against the exposed
no purpose I sate
loyalty unknown.
Conditional love
unwavering pain
pure and unbeatable,
sufference never wanes.

Evil in many forms
hate to grin in joy
I shake my head
a second hand ploy.
Here I hang, aged,
return to sweet sleep
I can never fathom
the disdain for me.

Bonds are broken
my time is up
my words and second thought
never to forget.
Friends again it seems
makes me behave
she is my lady
I am her slave.

I now gently heal
nothing retained
once it was real
two weeks in vain.
Suffering for years
at the hands of many
trusted by peers
a deep sense of irony.

Fighting for life
no one to tell
a tale for a book
many years it took.
He wore a clown face
killed my pets
its a compulsion
never to forget.

Ten years ago
the universe split in two
in one I lived on,
the other died sordidly.
Drugged tossed aside
could not relax
bonds all broken
never a surprise.

Many days waiting
many hours dreaming
until it became
all one existance.
In the end, I couldn’t tell
the difference
as a tale of turmoil is told.
Here inside,
is a lesson of old.


I think,
Therefore I am
in situe,
lithe and
kept and
suffering in debt.
I try but fail
fevered and
lost and
frail and
I abstain in pity.
It goes without saying,
my mind turns to mulch.
I lament on fire
its not mine to touch,
turning the lie
Omega, I.


Talking to myself
to invisible friends
the people i love
in a certain way,
small talk reveals
how i feel,
I catch myself
before any harm
inform myself
that I’m not here.

How do I get past,
living so fast
I’m all alone, so
not really the same.
Like a flower
or a flame.
I want desire,
to be remembered
Is this all there is?
Not realising I exist?

In the grand scheme of things
never warned of peace
not sure I’m real,
Is a cell or a leaf?
We set instructions in stone
that travel through time
“we are not alone”.
When I was young
unparalled safety
this is my debt
I pay unsaid.

Without a form
an unrelenting cause
in days to come
I’m confused and torn.
Amassing in the streets
the most killed by the few,
destroying blurred masses
we begin to fall.
Tax havens surface
empires grow tall
the rich are aloft
poor on the floor
lower levels of humanity
behind every door.
We must beat the two headed beast
the most versus the least.


The needle searches
for its place
many times over
these days.
Blood and scabbard
swirling hazards,
the stopper suceeds
the bubble recedes.

A taste hits my throat
like copper money
warmth engulfs me
the outside of nothing
heart beats beyond me
pin pricks my face
the citric stings
the stickiness alluring
no turning back
even if i want to.

Theres comfort in the pain
I desire destruction
chase it bit by bit
the calm is too late,
love comes too soon.
Use to the edge
nowhere to go
what I have of life
a will to survive.

Place of no walls
room with no exits
can’t ask for help
don’t have the time.
My head spins,
and so it begins
I don’t even try
lost in the lie,
I cannot find
my change of mind.


Despise, weep
I write to think
the end is certain
I would like a choice
far and free
pointless or petty.
Please go forth
forgive no more.
I’m full of disgust
bruised arms
throbbing abscess
down, not that brave
feel it often enough
I’m sorry I’m tired
see through and wired.

Sleep is a coward for me
flee’s most nights
never do I scream
freedom in my dreams.
Long ago,
the love died in me
sad and lost
generally bad
a punishment
deeper than hell.
I convince myself less,
had enough of “it’s over”
to stop time feels in vain.
I would try if I could change.

Making the effort
return to the past
I would be ok
but I’m going extinct,
I’m sorry I’m lost.
Where do I run?
my life is a sham
didn’t mean to scare you
Im so sorry
I honestly am.
In the grand cosmic order
to the stars I belong
to wander in eternity
to find a new song.

Lost & Found

A smile a nod
how are you today
an untainted welcome
how quickly you warm to us.
Of no fixed abode
never masks your fervour,
a coin from the street
a message of promise.

But the beast is merciless
bites with persistance
stolen with the moment
lost to the wind.
I want to stop you
but i cannot reach
want to tell you not to
but you don’t hear me speak.

Your picture doesn’t befit you
a message gives us hope
too little to recognise
to much doubt.
You can break the rules
we care not for the small
just come back
return to us all.

At last out of grasp
a month has passed
makes if too real
we plan our day.
Remembering the cost
we hope you don’t mind
that we laugh again,
goodbye to you friend.


Desolate and unlodged
unreachable ghosts,
in hiding places
wasting and stained,
stripped of ‘life’
and tainted pasts,
twisting into nothing,
not even a memory.

At the limits
protected in silence,
illusions of safety
hits back in vengeance.
Disease and cold intrusion,
vagueries reek of
affluent side effect,
showing us nothing.

Pushing guilt in oppulence
patronising benevolence,
insomniacs invade
the lights of dawn
as narcosis fades with
the skies bright eyes.

I see them
I don’t think of home,
it cannot become me
makes me burn,
I start to sweat
and fell in turn
into loss and hopelessness.

I cannot fix anything
it will not fix me,
I try to lay my hands on it
to rest its head
but I delay its death
and forget instead.