I Love You/ Death of Ego

My inherent selfishness
brought me to my knees,
my fear of life,
killed me with ease.
Vivid fantasies
to escape reality,
yearning for isolation
nurtured my fragility.

A wandering mind
lost in time,
a consumerate world
to which i’m sold.
An unknown future
out of my control,
A need for escape
has taken its toll.

Has my addiction
used you all along?
To trip me up
when it all goes wrong.
To chew me up
and spit me out,
so I pick up?
I have no doubt.

I sit in pain
around you and I,
illusions of the future
intead of you and I.
Insecurity, rejection,
I spiritually die.
The reality could kill me;
I would rather live a lie.

Backed into a corner
do I have to let go?
I am yearning the love
but have nothing to show;
but to live in the moment
and reliquish control,
to gain acceptance
for the sake of my soul.

I love you dearly
and without my addiction,
I have a beautiful friend,
the pain won’t afflict me.
Nothing bad happens
I stand on my feet,
there was nothing to gain,
I suffer no defeat.

The death of ego,
the birth of ‘I am’,
the noise in my head
a nurtured drama.
Love has no conditions,
it tells no lies,
its being in the moment
just you and I.

Fatigue

The pain of existance
turns my mind inwards
I become self centred
afraid of my shadow.

Every word anaylised
each line planned
responses skimmed over
in the palm of my hand.

The diabolical obsession
festers in fantasy
leads me in circles
blinds me from reality.

If I stop caring
my spirit becomes broken
I slowly seep backwards
my disease is woken.

Hockley

Dreams of yellow and gold fields,
the colour of summer.
A winding grass track,
a range rover stuck in the ditch.

A Jag dumped and burned
by the rickety old fence.
An old wooden gate guards the border
to our modest patch.

Vegetables and plants
an acre to the back.
A grand wooden hut
where we all used to stay.

A green caravan for nan,
a wooden shed for grandad
by an outside toilet,
happy with what we had.

Found in the grass,
an abandoned valve radio
dismantled to find its secret,
a process carried over.

The whole plot surrounded
by woods and fields.
Playing oldschool games
with my brother and my grandad.

Take a brisk walk for food
through the ancient wood,
a goat on the roof
of a pubs outside shed.

The Town sits nearby
with white concrete roads,
a scene out of the sixties
Hockley, East of London.

Beautiful simple times
our summers were occasions,
six weeks seemed like a year,
the days spent on vacation.

Addict/ Pandemic

The abysmal scratching at the door,
like the empty rooms of before,
from the empires to the shores
everything begins to fall.

From predicting to contradiction,
the information affliction,
backing into a dark corner
I return to fight my addiction.

The fear suffocates and darkens,
tries to engulf me entirely
meets me half way there
and strengthens my recovery.

I find myself rescinded
I try to stop pretending
If I give in to despair
I can never begin surrendering.

Hiding behind the open door,
I clutch at brittle straws,
there’s nothing I want more
than to see the world restored.

Apparitions

Ghosts and spirits
in the essence,
shadows of beings
from other dimensions.
Higher worlds
not within our comprehension.

Blobs and shapes, in and out of space,
floating around the earth,
unable to share
our 3 dimensional air.

In and out of homes
scaring god-fearing folks,
who believe ghosts are no good.

But this is such a misconception,
its not a contravention,
spirits have no bad intentions,
its just their shadows that get attention.

Flotsam

Infected, grey
defined at the edge,
desperate for a say.

A systematic dismantling
of all that is good,
before our eyes
ripped from the truth.

Most certainly tangled,
I fail to see it objectively,
but thats old news.

Its less of a crime
than years of abuse
at the hands of bullies
big or small.
Pushing through life,
until they fall.
And why not?
Afraid of themselves,
but its not always clear.
Past hate and backwards fear.

Left behind alone in a chair,
I rise and float through the air,
and soot
and water
until my breath escapes
and I am no longer here.

Happiness

My first ecstatic moment
I become one with the world around me
with the love inside me.

I want to share it and become it
released from years of unkept emotion.

All at once, I am shown me, myself from the inside
good or bad
with nowhere to hide.

I have no choice
I am better here
as I find it all unhidden and raw.

It could undo me if I want more
do not let it fool me
or become the sum of me
falsehoods and truth
opened up and free.

Life, my ecstacy.